doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
