Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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