There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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