Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
