The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
