I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
we should paint friendship bongs
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