Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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