My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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