I wish my penis had an off switch
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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