HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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