I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
