Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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