According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
