apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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