I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
