Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
