they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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