woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
