The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
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I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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