After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
