God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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