I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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