whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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