I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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