We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Found your dick twin last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
