i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
