I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
