Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
