I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
