It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
