At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
