I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
