Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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