I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize