I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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