You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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