morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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