I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
