I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
