ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
