Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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