Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
