God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Couch. On fire.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
