I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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