So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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