Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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