I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
