What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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