my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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