If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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