just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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