Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
