he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
