hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
