I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
