shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
